Our story begins with Zedd proposing some powerful magic.
Kahlan, being the clever one, is mighty skeptical. She's also worried about all the Cara/Dahlia shippers whose hearts are about to get crushed. Zedd goes ahead though because this way, he might be able to also undo R/K making out inside that mountain on the way to the stone, and you never pass up a two for one sale on cockblocking. Those just don't come around that often.
Powerful magic does really nice things to B's cheekbones.
Back in the mostly the same universe. Kahlan's cutting bitches. As you do. Our heroes are wearing a lot of dirt and making it work for them. Collectively they decide that Zedd's a weirdo. See, mostly the same. Just don't ask Cara about her other girlfriend. :(
(ZOMG, I SEE YOU, SISTER OF THE DARK SPY IN EXCELLENT BRIGHT RED CAMOUFLAGE.)
Back at the bath house of eeevil, Rahlsie is totes missing Cara now that he never kidnapped and tortured her with his extra powerful magic dildo. He's even taken to striking her poses while he washes himself, that's how much he misses her. It's kinda adorbs, but then Nicci shows up and everything else becomes irrelevant.
Reason # eleventy-bajillion-and-one why I love and trust the writers like whoa: I wasn't a fan of Nicci in the beginning because she was nothing like book!Nicci, and book!Nicci was my FAVORITE. But, the writers got us there in the end. They always
Richard has found more stuff to jump over. It's his favorite hobby. K (and K's bewbs) are sad not to be following.
Left to his own devices (read: without Kahlan and Cara to think for him), Richard picks up an adorable moppet. Who just so happens to be the
In case you were wondering, this cave we are in now. It is not the same cave that Team Awesome camps out in while R pets K's hair and maybe makes out with her a little. That is another cave. It has disappeared. Possibly Zedd SENT IT TO ANOTHER MOSTLY THE SAME UNIVERSE. Wouldn't be the first time he took drastic action to prevent the kissy-kissy. (See A Wizard's Guide to Cockblocking Across All Universes, Real and Imagined by Zeddicus Zu'ul Zorander for more information.)
So, the demon child communes with his minions. And then he hurries to catch up with R for a piggyback ride. Evil incarnate always travels in style. (Aw, look at R's face. He's defenseless in the presence of adorable moppets.)
Then, THIS happens! It is indescribably awesome. <33
K's hair is epic even when it's been confessed.
Meanwhile, Zedd and Cara run into some of her old Mord-Sith besties. They all hug it out.
WHO'S IN CHARGE HERE?
Oh, Cara. You are. Forevah.
HOMG, NICCI'S DRESS. YOU ARE MAKING ME FORGET THAT KAHLAN IS MY FAVORITE HERE.
Ohh, confessed!Kahlan. It hurts a little to watch her. She's so meek and subservient and not at all like Kahlan, and it is breaking my heart. I've gotta say though, I think B plays confessed better than anyone else ever has on the show. Maybe because she's had to spend so much more time thinking about confession for her character. Or maybe because she's B.
And then there's this bit with POWERFUL MAGIC GLASS. Book flail moment!!! This is not the first time Kahlan has helped to blind someone with powerful magic glass, jsyk.
And Richard, oh poor bb. This right there is why I love him. He's just been blinded, and has to be in horrible pain from having his eyes scratched sightless by shards of glass, but he doesn't spend even a minute feeling sorry for himself. He just ties a bandanna around his eyes and keeps on going. It makes me want to hug him and pet his poor wounded face forever. D:
Meanwhile, back at the ranch...
C/K are having a competition to find out who's a bigger badass. Cara opens by looking sexeh with her bow and arrow, and shooting Nicci in the neck on a horse with K all in the way and shiz. TOTES AWSM. But then, Kahlan pulls out the Con Dar.
THERE IS NO TOPPING THE CON DAR.
Idek how Bridget Regan manages to be so incredibly gorgeous all the time. You can change her hair color AND her eye color to a world away from her natural coloring, and she is still the prettiest person on the entire planet. HOW SO PRETTY, B?
Zedd suggests that, taking all the powerful magic into consideration, they should totes kill Kahlan and fix things that way. This sounds like A BRILLIANT PLAN, ZEDD. PLZ TO BE SUGGESTING MOAR THINGS. *headdesk*
Cara tries to shoot her bestie. But she just can't. C luffs her too much. :(
Cara hates that her stoooopid feelings made her fail. So she's sad and she makes faces and feels things about her feeeelings. It is epic.
Hee. R and adorable moppet are so wearing the same shirt. Two for one sale at the Gap of Rohan, eh boys?
Unfortunately, K has caught up with them, and she's in the blood rage. R tries to tell adorable moppet that it's ok, he just needs to not provoke her and remember that she is always right, and that he'll understand when he gets older. Adorbs mop. is not so sure about this.
AND THEN THINGS GET REAAAAALLLY EPIC.
K is confessing bitches with BOTH HANDS AT THE SAME TIME. R entrusts the stone to adorable moppet so he can help K. I really enjoy how, even blind, he's totes more useful in a fight than Zedd.
UNF. It just like back in high school when I used to love Neo. Except SO much better. <333
EPIC FIGHT IS EPIC.
And then, R/K have a little chat.
R's all like, Hey, K, sup? You sounded a leeettle bit psycho back there, bb. Good news, I just gave the Stone of Tears to this adorbs moppet who's not at all the Keeper or evil in any way.
K: I KEEEEEL YOU!!!!!1!!!
And this is the part where I start to cry. Poor bb is blind and he trusts her so much, even when she's in the Con Dar, he doesn't believe she'd ever hurt him. He just stands there while she stabs him and breaks my heart. And K's so strung out on confession and trapped by her own magic she doesn't so much as blink at murdering the love of her life. (OH, OTP, HOW SO EPIC? <333333)
I KNOW THIS ISN'T YOU. I LOVE YOU.
Omg, Kahlan actually hisses at him while he's dying. Like she's some sort of wild animal. And his face there. His little face. I cannot even look at it without crying. He's dying, but he loves her so much that the only thing he thinks about is how Kahlan will feel when she comes out of the ConDar and realizes what she's done. He's the one who's just been stabbed, and he's trying to make things easier for her. BROKEN HEART IS BROKEN RN. DDD:
WHAT HAVE I DONE? WHAT HAVE I DONE?
Kahlan's voice when she's crying over him is the saddest thing I've ever heard.
Cara to the rescue!!!!! She rides up like a cowboy.
K's tears are so special they can save the world. It's a good thing no one made her really, really sad twenty episodes ago, or this season would've been a lot shorter.
Convenient second stone is convenient.
Team awesome drags poor, blind, only newly revived Richard up to
Adorbs moppet: http://www.nooooooooooooooo.com/!!!!!!!!!!
DAY IS SAVED.
Meanwhile, in our teaser for season three: Nicci's alive! Rahlsie's scheming! DIAF, TRIBUNE.
Oh, LOL. Not only is Zedd the EPT First Response for all women who may be ~with child~. He's also the go-to ophthalmologist for all the Midlands, and fixes R's eyes with a wave of his hand. I'm thinking Zedd should quit it with all the powerful magic, and just open up a hospital.
R LIEKS TO BE SEEING K AGAIN.
HE LIEKS IT A LOT.
(Possibly last epic hug ever. *sob*)
K: So, um...I'm sorry I stabbed you in the heart and killed you ded and stuffs.
R: No biggie. You can make it up to me with all the I'm-sorry-I-killed-you-sexytiems we'll be having now that I finally figured it out.
Team Awesome is all really excited about all the sex they'll be having. Well, R/K are excited. Zedd's getting ready to cockblock them into another alternate universe asap, and Cara's just trying to figure out how to suggest a threesome.
Look at their little faces. They are so relieved. <333
I swear, this is the happiest kiss of theirs we've ever seen. Even Confessor!babies kissing wasn't this smiley. And look at her thumb on his chin. Guh. Thoroughly ded rn.
LOTS, ILU FOREVAH.
(PLZ DON'T LEAVE MEEEE)